"quotes"

I am not the most skilled at customer service it has to be said, it’s true that I know ’how’ to give excellent service, however, I feel a constant intolerance of customers which brings out a sarcasm or black/dry humour out of me that I have to try incessantly to keep in check.

Here are a few quotes or scenarios that have occurred during my working day, all totally true.

Customer- “can I have an innertube please?”
Me-“sure, what size would you like?”
Customer- “I don’t know”
Me- “see you later!”
Customer- “but I need an innertube”
Me- “ yes, but you don’t know which one”

Me- “look, let’s start with what bike is it?”
Customer-“ummm, a ladies”
Me-“ well, that’s a start.  Adults or Childs?”
Customer-“Adults!”
Me-“Mountain Bike?”
Customer-“YES”
Me-“well, then it will be 26x1.95 most likely.  Here you go, £2.99”
Customer-“oh cool,  I didn’t know I needed the size”
Me-“well that will sort you out”
Customer-“thanks, Bye”


Customer “can you fix my puncture”
Me “YES, can you?”
Customer “NO”  “how much is it?”
Me “£7.99”
Customer “I’ve only got £6.00, will that be ok?”
Me “NO, because it’s £7.99”
Customer “Stuart only charges me £6.00, he has twice before”
Me “then I will fire Stuart tomorrow, because he works for me!”
Customer “oh no, you can’t fire him, he’s my mate”
Me “well he shouldn’t be doing it cheap!”
Customer “so you can’t do it for £6.00 then?”
Me “NO, come back when you have £7.99”
Customer “OK then”


Customer “how long have you been here?”
Me “since 9.00 am this morning”
Customer “no, I meant how long has the shop been here?”
Me “well say that then if it’s what you mean”


Phone ringing-8.45 am
Me “Hello?”
Customer “hello, I need to get my bike serviced is there anyone there now?”
Me “NO, I answered the phone from home!”
Customer “oh, ok, what time do you get there?”
Me “I’m joking, I’m here now”
Customer “oh right, can I bring my bike round now then?”
Me “no, we don’t open til 9.00 am”
Customer “really?”
Me “no, I’m joking again, please just bring it in now!”


Customer “can I get a bike for about fifty quid?”
Me “not if you want one with wheels on it!”


Customer “can you knock another £20 off this bike”
Me “no, sorry I can’t take any more off, it is already discounted”
Customer “ oh go on!”
Me “no, I am sorry I can’t”
Customer “but look at it, it’s all scratched and damaged”
Me “well if that’s true, why would you want to buy it?”
Customer “forget it then!”
Customer walks out


Customer “how do you know if a bike is the right size for you”
Me “if you can sit on it, and it feels comfortable, it’s the right size!”
Customer “is that it?”
Me “well how difficult did you think it would be?”


Customer “what’s the difference between that bike and that one?”
Me “that one costs more!”
Customer “yes I can see that, but why?”
Me “because it’s a better bike”
Customer “what makes it a better bike?”
Me “I built it, whereas the trainee built the other one”


Customer “hello, I’m looking to buy a new bike”
Me “thank goodness for that, I thought you might have been lost”